Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize
