He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize