The maid of honor just puked.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
