I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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