can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
