I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
