I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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