My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I want her autograph on my taint
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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