Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
