You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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