The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
