my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
