We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
