Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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