How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
