Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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