I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
