take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
