I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So many bounce houses so little time
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
