I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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