I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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