There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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