I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
