i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
