Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
