My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
