It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
