Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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