I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
