see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
