it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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