Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize