Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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