It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
