Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
