The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
