I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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