He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
