wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
