My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
