She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
