so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
