Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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