He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
