I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
