hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
