I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
