Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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