I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
