K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
