I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
