just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
