How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize