He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
