I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
