but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
